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As a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, largely pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I begin seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with other men again.

Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, often causing significant heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I want a partner to love me while letting me remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.

Each individual's intimate path varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate different types of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs in your current state may well change in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself more decisive and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you might meet a person offering a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your energy. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and recognize the worth of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, it will be clear.

• The psychotherapist is a American therapy professional who specialises in treating intimacy issues.